Insulted

You know how sometimes your friends accidentally imply that you're fat, and then quickly try to cover it up?

"Yeah, because you're big... I MEAN BECAUSE YOU'RE TALL." (Someone actually said this to me once).

I've thought about this a lot. I think that the implication that you are fat is offensive, but the covering it up is even more offensive.

Once my friend and I were the last to get into an elevator. Let's call her X. There were two other friends of ours, Y and Z, in the lift. The lift buzzed when X and I stepped in, meaning that the lift was overloaded/overweight.

Y (to me, in a mocking tone): Oh Candice, the lift buzzed because of you!
*awkward pause*
X: Umm, no no it's my fault.
*another awkward pause*
Z: Oh my god Y, you're so mean!

When X tried to be nice by "taking the blame" (which is completely ridiculous because she's skinny), I felt even worse. And when Z accused Y of being mean, it made me feel like sinking through the floor.

Why is this so?

Well, everyone was treating "being fat" like it was a crime!

It was as though I, Candice, should be embarrassed about being heavy, which made X feebly attempt to attribute some of the extra weight to herself.

And Z's accusation just made things even worse because it implied:

1. Y was being mean

which means that

2. What Y said was an insult

which means that

3. It is insulting to imply that someone is fat

from which we can conclude that

4. Being fat is BAD and SHAMEFUL.

When you or others have said or implied that someone is fat, and you immediately try to cover it up, you are simply making things worse by suggesting that the idea of being fat is repulsive, embarrassing and undesirable, which is why you saw the need to salvage what you said.

I've been on the receiving end of such comments + cover-ups, and I find the cover-ups excessively annoying and insulting. I feel like they're indirectly saying "I'm sorry for accidentally insulting you. Please ignore my comment and try not to feel bad about being fat!" And when others cover up for a particular person, it's even worse. It's like they're saying "Yep, everyone knows that calling someone fat is an insult because fatness is undesirable. But don't worry, we are here to help you and make you feel better." It's as if being fat is a crime or disease, which is why I would even have to "feel bad" and be "comforted" about it in the first place.

Wardrobe War

Hello there! It's been some time (though not a devastatingly long time) since I last updated this space. I've been rather busy with school and church activities, but I've finally started university and my life is pretty much back to normal.

At the risk of sounding superficial, I will declare that one of the things I hate most about university life is having to choose your outfit every single school day. In Singapore, we wear school uniforms all the way until Junior College, so for most of us, university is the first time we will ever have to wear our own clothes to school.

Most girls my age love the fact that they get to choose their own clothes, because they like to dress up, and 12 years of school uniforms have always restricted the expression of their beauty to the fullest.

For me, I have always loved school uniforms, because they eliminate the tendency to compare. Many people criticize the school uniform and argue that it restricts students' creativity and causes students to become robots. But, in my opinion, if we had the freedom to choose our own clothes (and I am realising this more and more now that I am in university), we would spend a great amount of time and energy choosing and worrying and comparing. Such behavior is needless, but inevitable. At least for me - if I had to choose what to wear every day, I would worry endlessly about what others thought of my outfit and it would be way more difficult to concentrate in class. As it is, most of us are too tired out from hectic school life to pay full attention in class anyway.


Now, I am truly feeling the pressure of having to choose a new outfit every day. I open my clothes cupboard and feel like I have nothing to wear. And the problem with being fat is this - nothing I try on looks nice on me. I try on an outfit, decide that it makes me look fat, and toss it onto my bed. Then I try another one, and it is still unsatisfying, so I toss it onto my chair. I toss outfits onto my table, the floors, the shelves... until my entire room becomes a mess of clothes and I am still undecided on what outfit to wear. I stand in front of my mirror and tilt my body at awkward angles to make myself look skinner, and if looking slimmer is impossible in the current outfit, I will throw it out and choose another one.

I know, I know, I shouldn't be vain. I should just wear what's comfortable and appropriate for school, instead of worrying excessively about my appearance. But the fact is, people judge you for what you wear, and while I would love to have many happy friends who completely love me because of my personality and don't care about my choice of clothes, that's probably not going to happen. And my life would just be so much easier if I looked nice. Then I wouldn't feel so damn self-conscious every time I step off the bus into the school.

Ideally, I would wear a baggy t-shirt, jeans and flip flops to school, and not give a damn about all the pretty girls who wear beautiful sleeveless blouses that accentuate their fatless upper arms and tiny shorts that barely cover their bottoms. But I do care, and I'm not going to pretend that I don't.

I always feel unjustifiably annoyed when I see girls wearing nice dresses to school. What's up with that!! Why do you need to make yourself look so pretty in that uncomfortable-looking dress, which you need to press down because it flies up every time the shuttle bus drives past you? Is that really a sensible outfit for school?

I say that my annoyance is unjustified because there's truly nothing wrong with wearing nice things to school, and you can't quite draw the line between what is sensible and what is not.

Maybe I'm just jealous.

Oh well. I hope and pray that I will stop caring excessively about what I wear, and will just accept the first outfit I choose. Too much time has been wasted on trying to find clothes that make me look slimmer, because even if the clothes make me look slimmer than usual, I will still look fat overall. Fighting and negotiating with my wardrobe is truly an exercise in futility. Being skinny is so much easier. You look nice in just about anything.

Friends Who Insult Fat Celebrities

One thing that gets on my nerves is when my friends insult fat celebrities. I am referring specifically to celebrities who were skinny in the past, but grew fatter over the years.

Example One: Christina Aguilera
I remember one time, I was raving to my friends about how awesome Christina Aguilera's voice is. On a side note, Xtina is probably one of the blackest-sounding white singers in the industry. I've always admired the richness and fullness of her voice, and her control of tone and pitch, and her amazing melisma abilities (as you can probably tell, I'm really into singing).

Anyway, this is the gist of our conversation.

Friend 1: But... she became damn fat over the years.
Me: That's because she recovered from being anorexic and bullimic when she was younger!
Friend 2: Maybe she should have just stayed anorexic. She looked so much better when she was skinny.

Example Two: Demi Lovato

I'm a pretty big fan of Demi Lovato, and I am impressed by how much her vocal abilities have improved over the years, from her Camp Rock Disney days to the release of her latest single "Heart Attack".

Demi came to Singapore in March this year, and a few days before she came, I was telling my friend how exciting it was that she would be in Singapore very soon.

Friend 3: Hmm... but she became a bit "fatty" recently.
Me: So what?!? Are you saying that if Taylor Swift became fat, you would stop being her fan?
Friend 3: I don't know, maybe.

---

I can't even begin to describe how angry I was at these friends of mine.

Firstly, it makes absolutely NO SENSE that singers have to conform to the world's standards of beauty in order to maintain their fan base. Aren't we supposed to admire celebrities because of their abilities and personalities, rather than the way they look? If you admire a celebrity for being pretty, it's as good as saying "I love you so much because you were born this way. Thank you for being born pretty." which, if you think about it, is freaking ridiculous, because it's not like people can choose to be born beautiful or ugly. This is also why I will never understand the Korean Pop fanatics, who adore pretty Korean singers with no vocal talent whatsoever. I think it would make much more sense to be fans of the plastic surgeons who cut open and realigned the faces of such Kpop singers. At least they have skill?

Secondly, how shitty must your value system be to actually suggest that a celebrity, or any person for that matter, was better of having an eating disorder? So, we should encourage people to starve themselves, purge their food, become psychologically obsessed with their appearance and develop a mental disease, because looking pretty to other people is so much more important?

Sometimes I really hate my friends. It just makes me think wonder... Since I was skinny when I was fifteen due to my eating disorder, and I gained the weight back after deciding to stop my diet, do these so-called friends of mine think that I should never have stopped being anorexic?

Musings

It has been a long time since I last updated this space.

I've been feeling rather down about my weight lately. The boy I love has gotten himself a skinny bitch for a girlfriend. I'm prettier than her, smarter than her, wittier than her... The only area where she's better than me is being skinny.

I know I'm just blaming everything on my fats, and labelling that horrid girl a slut and bitch just because I'm jealous. I don't even know her. I've never spoken to her or met her. She probably has an awesome personality. What about me? I just wallow away in self-pity and insecurity, which is probably what turns others off rather than the fats.

Moving on.

My A Level exams are over. I did pretty well. I've got some scholarship offers and a place in a good university, which I am infinitely grateful for.

I feel proud of all that I have achieved. I have excelled academically and in co-curricular activities. But then I take one look at my fat self and realised that this is one area where I don't match up to society's standards. I suppose nobody can excel in every single area of his/her life.

I just don't want to be left on the shelf when I grow older.

I also feel like I need some control over my life. This period of waiting for university to start is extremely fluid and flexible, and I don't like that!! I like having a routine to follow. I love regularity.

I know it will be detrimental to both my physical and psychological health to start dieting again, because it will most likely spin out of control. However, I feel the need to have some control over this aspect of my life right now. Everything is changing and nothing is constant anymore. On Sundays, I hardly know what to anticipate for the coming week. Anything could happen.

I went for a scholarship interview today, and the interviewer asked me about my eating disorder (yes, I always use it when I apply for scholarships because it makes me seem courageous and causes me to be more memorable, and it's an excellent way to promote yourself because you can vomit out all the things you've learned). Anyway, the interviewer asked me why I did not consider counselling. I seriously did not know what to say. I just didn't want to be turned into a case file, and to be labelled as someone who has a mental problem. Let's face it, we always treat people who have had mental issues in the past differently, even though they may have fully recovered.

You see, the thing is, I do want to be able to accept myself, and yet, I know that when I accept myself, I will never even try to lose weight again, and I'll remain fat forever, and I don't WANT to remain fat!! Yet, I also know that when I accept myself, then it wouldn't matter whether I was fat or not. Isn't that right? Ah, this is indeed a complicated matter.

We should form an association of fat people and kill all the skinny bitches who give us dirty looks on the street.

Just kidding. Jail probably wouldn't have enough room for all of us. We'd be too fat to fit into the jail cells. Ahahaha.

Cheers, fellow fat friends. If we remain unhappy with ourselves, we are letting the skinny bitches who look down on us win!! That's the only thing that keeps me from starving myself again.