Musings

It has been a long time since I last updated this space.

I've been feeling rather down about my weight lately. The boy I love has gotten himself a skinny bitch for a girlfriend. I'm prettier than her, smarter than her, wittier than her... The only area where she's better than me is being skinny.

I know I'm just blaming everything on my fats, and labelling that horrid girl a slut and bitch just because I'm jealous. I don't even know her. I've never spoken to her or met her. She probably has an awesome personality. What about me? I just wallow away in self-pity and insecurity, which is probably what turns others off rather than the fats.

Moving on.

My A Level exams are over. I did pretty well. I've got some scholarship offers and a place in a good university, which I am infinitely grateful for.

I feel proud of all that I have achieved. I have excelled academically and in co-curricular activities. But then I take one look at my fat self and realised that this is one area where I don't match up to society's standards. I suppose nobody can excel in every single area of his/her life.

I just don't want to be left on the shelf when I grow older.

I also feel like I need some control over my life. This period of waiting for university to start is extremely fluid and flexible, and I don't like that!! I like having a routine to follow. I love regularity.

I know it will be detrimental to both my physical and psychological health to start dieting again, because it will most likely spin out of control. However, I feel the need to have some control over this aspect of my life right now. Everything is changing and nothing is constant anymore. On Sundays, I hardly know what to anticipate for the coming week. Anything could happen.

I went for a scholarship interview today, and the interviewer asked me about my eating disorder (yes, I always use it when I apply for scholarships because it makes me seem courageous and causes me to be more memorable, and it's an excellent way to promote yourself because you can vomit out all the things you've learned). Anyway, the interviewer asked me why I did not consider counselling. I seriously did not know what to say. I just didn't want to be turned into a case file, and to be labelled as someone who has a mental problem. Let's face it, we always treat people who have had mental issues in the past differently, even though they may have fully recovered.

You see, the thing is, I do want to be able to accept myself, and yet, I know that when I accept myself, I will never even try to lose weight again, and I'll remain fat forever, and I don't WANT to remain fat!! Yet, I also know that when I accept myself, then it wouldn't matter whether I was fat or not. Isn't that right? Ah, this is indeed a complicated matter.

We should form an association of fat people and kill all the skinny bitches who give us dirty looks on the street.

Just kidding. Jail probably wouldn't have enough room for all of us. We'd be too fat to fit into the jail cells. Ahahaha.

Cheers, fellow fat friends. If we remain unhappy with ourselves, we are letting the skinny bitches who look down on us win!! That's the only thing that keeps me from starving myself again.