Food and Fatness

It's been 11 months since I last posted something on this space. In fact, I nearly forgot the existence of this blog until something made me pretty mad today.

A group of friends and I are having a potluck party this weekend. We all know this fat girl (let's call her M) who isn't coming for the party, so she isn't in the party Whatsapp group. Well, we were chatting in the group, trying to decide how much food each person should bring, and someone said (as a joke) that we had to ration the amount of calories. Another guy said, "Oh please, only M would need to count calories." Yet another guy said, "I think we need M to come and help us finish all the leftovers."

My insides were burning with anger, such that I was extremely tempted to exit the group.

I hate it when people suggest that fat people should eat less than non-fat people. I don't think it's fair. If the fat person in question is fat to the extent that it takes a toll on his/her health, then it's okay to suggest that the person engages in a weight loss regime so that s/he will be healthier. This is acceptable to me because it is done out of genuine concern for the person. But honestly, how many people who believe that fat people should eat less actually articulate their views out of care and concern? Most people who make such comments do it mockingly and nastily. They say such things as a joke (because the idea of someone else being fat is apparently hilarious and ridiculous). They think they're being witty and charming by making mean jokes at the expense of a fat person.

On the other hand, some people tell their fat friends that they should eat less, in a truly concerned manner, but their "concern" is for their friends' physical appearance rather than their health. I've had people tell me that I should eat less if I don't want to gain weight, and when I ask them "what's wrong with gaining weight", there's always a slight pause before they throw in the "being fat is unhealthy" card. I know that health is not their primary concern. They're indirectly telling me that if I eat too much and I gain weight, I will regret it because I will be unhappy with looking fatter, thus I'd better think twice before eating something unhealthy. Well, if I don't mind looking fat (not that I truly don't), who are you to dictate that I should adopt certain eating habits just so that I will not become someone that you don't like to look at? People just assume that everybody is not okay with looking fat. It's not altogether unfair for them to assume since society does perpetuate that notion, but blind assumptions are often offensive.

Thirdly (in response to the last guy's comment), I hate it when people automatically assume that fat people eat more than non-fat people. It might apply for some fat people, but not for all. I definitely don't eat more than my skinny friends do. We eat the same amounts, get the same amount of exercise, sleep the same amount, do the same amount of work, and yet we are different sizes. Why is it so hard for people to understand that being fat is not always about lifestyle? Yes, lifestyle makes a difference, but that isn't all there is to size.

I know some people will think that I'm being terribly overly sensitive to such comments and remarks. Well, you will never understand what it's like to be me, to be a fat person living in a fat-shaming society and being surrounded by fat-shaming friends. If you are indeed in the same boat as me, and you don't have a problem with friends who fat-shame, it either means that you're oblivious to instances of fat-shaming, or you're just strong enough to not care about it. Either way, I admire you.

Insulted

You know how sometimes your friends accidentally imply that you're fat, and then quickly try to cover it up?

"Yeah, because you're big... I MEAN BECAUSE YOU'RE TALL." (Someone actually said this to me once).

I've thought about this a lot. I think that the implication that you are fat is offensive, but the covering it up is even more offensive.

Once my friend and I were the last to get into an elevator. Let's call her X. There were two other friends of ours, Y and Z, in the lift. The lift buzzed when X and I stepped in, meaning that the lift was overloaded/overweight.

Y (to me, in a mocking tone): Oh Candice, the lift buzzed because of you!
*awkward pause*
X: Umm, no no it's my fault.
*another awkward pause*
Z: Oh my god Y, you're so mean!

When X tried to be nice by "taking the blame" (which is completely ridiculous because she's skinny), I felt even worse. And when Z accused Y of being mean, it made me feel like sinking through the floor.

Why is this so?

Well, everyone was treating "being fat" like it was a crime!

It was as though I, Candice, should be embarrassed about being heavy, which made X feebly attempt to attribute some of the extra weight to herself.

And Z's accusation just made things even worse because it implied:

1. Y was being mean

which means that

2. What Y said was an insult

which means that

3. It is insulting to imply that someone is fat

from which we can conclude that

4. Being fat is BAD and SHAMEFUL.

When you or others have said or implied that someone is fat, and you immediately try to cover it up, you are simply making things worse by suggesting that the idea of being fat is repulsive, embarrassing and undesirable, which is why you saw the need to salvage what you said.

I've been on the receiving end of such comments + cover-ups, and I find the cover-ups excessively annoying and insulting. I feel like they're indirectly saying "I'm sorry for accidentally insulting you. Please ignore my comment and try not to feel bad about being fat!" And when others cover up for a particular person, it's even worse. It's like they're saying "Yep, everyone knows that calling someone fat is an insult because fatness is undesirable. But don't worry, we are here to help you and make you feel better." It's as if being fat is a crime or disease, which is why I would even have to "feel bad" and be "comforted" about it in the first place.

Wardrobe War

Hello there! It's been some time (though not a devastatingly long time) since I last updated this space. I've been rather busy with school and church activities, but I've finally started university and my life is pretty much back to normal.

At the risk of sounding superficial, I will declare that one of the things I hate most about university life is having to choose your outfit every single school day. In Singapore, we wear school uniforms all the way until Junior College, so for most of us, university is the first time we will ever have to wear our own clothes to school.

Most girls my age love the fact that they get to choose their own clothes, because they like to dress up, and 12 years of school uniforms have always restricted the expression of their beauty to the fullest.

For me, I have always loved school uniforms, because they eliminate the tendency to compare. Many people criticize the school uniform and argue that it restricts students' creativity and causes students to become robots. But, in my opinion, if we had the freedom to choose our own clothes (and I am realising this more and more now that I am in university), we would spend a great amount of time and energy choosing and worrying and comparing. Such behavior is needless, but inevitable. At least for me - if I had to choose what to wear every day, I would worry endlessly about what others thought of my outfit and it would be way more difficult to concentrate in class. As it is, most of us are too tired out from hectic school life to pay full attention in class anyway.


Now, I am truly feeling the pressure of having to choose a new outfit every day. I open my clothes cupboard and feel like I have nothing to wear. And the problem with being fat is this - nothing I try on looks nice on me. I try on an outfit, decide that it makes me look fat, and toss it onto my bed. Then I try another one, and it is still unsatisfying, so I toss it onto my chair. I toss outfits onto my table, the floors, the shelves... until my entire room becomes a mess of clothes and I am still undecided on what outfit to wear. I stand in front of my mirror and tilt my body at awkward angles to make myself look skinner, and if looking slimmer is impossible in the current outfit, I will throw it out and choose another one.

I know, I know, I shouldn't be vain. I should just wear what's comfortable and appropriate for school, instead of worrying excessively about my appearance. But the fact is, people judge you for what you wear, and while I would love to have many happy friends who completely love me because of my personality and don't care about my choice of clothes, that's probably not going to happen. And my life would just be so much easier if I looked nice. Then I wouldn't feel so damn self-conscious every time I step off the bus into the school.

Ideally, I would wear a baggy t-shirt, jeans and flip flops to school, and not give a damn about all the pretty girls who wear beautiful sleeveless blouses that accentuate their fatless upper arms and tiny shorts that barely cover their bottoms. But I do care, and I'm not going to pretend that I don't.

I always feel unjustifiably annoyed when I see girls wearing nice dresses to school. What's up with that!! Why do you need to make yourself look so pretty in that uncomfortable-looking dress, which you need to press down because it flies up every time the shuttle bus drives past you? Is that really a sensible outfit for school?

I say that my annoyance is unjustified because there's truly nothing wrong with wearing nice things to school, and you can't quite draw the line between what is sensible and what is not.

Maybe I'm just jealous.

Oh well. I hope and pray that I will stop caring excessively about what I wear, and will just accept the first outfit I choose. Too much time has been wasted on trying to find clothes that make me look slimmer, because even if the clothes make me look slimmer than usual, I will still look fat overall. Fighting and negotiating with my wardrobe is truly an exercise in futility. Being skinny is so much easier. You look nice in just about anything.

Friends Who Insult Fat Celebrities

One thing that gets on my nerves is when my friends insult fat celebrities. I am referring specifically to celebrities who were skinny in the past, but grew fatter over the years.

Example One: Christina Aguilera
I remember one time, I was raving to my friends about how awesome Christina Aguilera's voice is. On a side note, Xtina is probably one of the blackest-sounding white singers in the industry. I've always admired the richness and fullness of her voice, and her control of tone and pitch, and her amazing melisma abilities (as you can probably tell, I'm really into singing).

Anyway, this is the gist of our conversation.

Friend 1: But... she became damn fat over the years.
Me: That's because she recovered from being anorexic and bullimic when she was younger!
Friend 2: Maybe she should have just stayed anorexic. She looked so much better when she was skinny.

Example Two: Demi Lovato

I'm a pretty big fan of Demi Lovato, and I am impressed by how much her vocal abilities have improved over the years, from her Camp Rock Disney days to the release of her latest single "Heart Attack".

Demi came to Singapore in March this year, and a few days before she came, I was telling my friend how exciting it was that she would be in Singapore very soon.

Friend 3: Hmm... but she became a bit "fatty" recently.
Me: So what?!? Are you saying that if Taylor Swift became fat, you would stop being her fan?
Friend 3: I don't know, maybe.

---

I can't even begin to describe how angry I was at these friends of mine.

Firstly, it makes absolutely NO SENSE that singers have to conform to the world's standards of beauty in order to maintain their fan base. Aren't we supposed to admire celebrities because of their abilities and personalities, rather than the way they look? If you admire a celebrity for being pretty, it's as good as saying "I love you so much because you were born this way. Thank you for being born pretty." which, if you think about it, is freaking ridiculous, because it's not like people can choose to be born beautiful or ugly. This is also why I will never understand the Korean Pop fanatics, who adore pretty Korean singers with no vocal talent whatsoever. I think it would make much more sense to be fans of the plastic surgeons who cut open and realigned the faces of such Kpop singers. At least they have skill?

Secondly, how shitty must your value system be to actually suggest that a celebrity, or any person for that matter, was better of having an eating disorder? So, we should encourage people to starve themselves, purge their food, become psychologically obsessed with their appearance and develop a mental disease, because looking pretty to other people is so much more important?

Sometimes I really hate my friends. It just makes me think wonder... Since I was skinny when I was fifteen due to my eating disorder, and I gained the weight back after deciding to stop my diet, do these so-called friends of mine think that I should never have stopped being anorexic?

Musings

It has been a long time since I last updated this space.

I've been feeling rather down about my weight lately. The boy I love has gotten himself a skinny bitch for a girlfriend. I'm prettier than her, smarter than her, wittier than her... The only area where she's better than me is being skinny.

I know I'm just blaming everything on my fats, and labelling that horrid girl a slut and bitch just because I'm jealous. I don't even know her. I've never spoken to her or met her. She probably has an awesome personality. What about me? I just wallow away in self-pity and insecurity, which is probably what turns others off rather than the fats.

Moving on.

My A Level exams are over. I did pretty well. I've got some scholarship offers and a place in a good university, which I am infinitely grateful for.

I feel proud of all that I have achieved. I have excelled academically and in co-curricular activities. But then I take one look at my fat self and realised that this is one area where I don't match up to society's standards. I suppose nobody can excel in every single area of his/her life.

I just don't want to be left on the shelf when I grow older.

I also feel like I need some control over my life. This period of waiting for university to start is extremely fluid and flexible, and I don't like that!! I like having a routine to follow. I love regularity.

I know it will be detrimental to both my physical and psychological health to start dieting again, because it will most likely spin out of control. However, I feel the need to have some control over this aspect of my life right now. Everything is changing and nothing is constant anymore. On Sundays, I hardly know what to anticipate for the coming week. Anything could happen.

I went for a scholarship interview today, and the interviewer asked me about my eating disorder (yes, I always use it when I apply for scholarships because it makes me seem courageous and causes me to be more memorable, and it's an excellent way to promote yourself because you can vomit out all the things you've learned). Anyway, the interviewer asked me why I did not consider counselling. I seriously did not know what to say. I just didn't want to be turned into a case file, and to be labelled as someone who has a mental problem. Let's face it, we always treat people who have had mental issues in the past differently, even though they may have fully recovered.

You see, the thing is, I do want to be able to accept myself, and yet, I know that when I accept myself, I will never even try to lose weight again, and I'll remain fat forever, and I don't WANT to remain fat!! Yet, I also know that when I accept myself, then it wouldn't matter whether I was fat or not. Isn't that right? Ah, this is indeed a complicated matter.

We should form an association of fat people and kill all the skinny bitches who give us dirty looks on the street.

Just kidding. Jail probably wouldn't have enough room for all of us. We'd be too fat to fit into the jail cells. Ahahaha.

Cheers, fellow fat friends. If we remain unhappy with ourselves, we are letting the skinny bitches who look down on us win!! That's the only thing that keeps me from starving myself again.

Feeling Guilty For No Reason

Aloha! I am currently in the midst of the very important A Level examinations. I am surviving the stress well, namely because I don't feel stressed at all. In fact, I always manage to find excuses not to study. My excuse now is that I haven't updated this page in almost a month, and I must, lest I forget the existence of this blog.

This post will be about fat people feeling guilty about the food they eat.

I bet every single one of you fat people have had this experience: You're having lunch with your skinny girl friend, and she chooses to order something that is much healthier than what you've just ordered. You immediately feel guilty, because you're fatter than her and should be eating less than she does.

In fact, one of my girl friends had the nerve to ask me "Why are you eating so much?" And I definitely felt guilty, even though I knew she genuinely meant it and wasn't trying to attack me.

But this is not a good reason to feel guilty! Every individual has the right to choose what she wants to eat, and what you eat should not be based on what other people eat, or what they think of what you're eating. However, it's just so hard to ignore those feelings of guilt, which come very naturally. We're humans and we "over-care" about what people think of us.

This is a Chinese dish commonly found in Singapore. It's called "San Chen Rou", otherwise known as "Three-Layered Pork". The reason why it's called three-layered pork, is because there are literally three layers. From bottom to top, the three layers are the meat, the fat, and the skin.

I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but the skin is the brown layer, and right below that is a layer of fats. Anyway, most of my friends (the few who dare to eat this dish) will cut their pork into the three distinct layers, and only eat the skin and meat while leaving the fats behind.

Now, I simply LOVE the fat part and even though my conscience tells me that I should not eat pure fats, I will end up eating the fats. Sometimes I cut away the fat and intend to leave it behind, but after I'm done with my meal, and the fats are left alone on my plate, I just cannot resist them. Then I start feeling all guilty about it because my skinnier friends are so disgusted by the fats, so I, a fat person, shouldn't be eating more fats!

I refuse to believe that they seriously DISLIKE the fats. They claim that they genuinely dislike the slimy texture of the fats. But to hell with that idea! If fats didn't taste awesome, nobody would buy them. I just think that they've been brainwashed into believing that they don't like fats, and instinctively shun the fats, because they don't want to be fat.

Back to the point: I will invariably feel guilty when I eat the fats and others don't. It's three-layered pork. I must eat all three layers. But if my friends eat the two healthier layers and ignore the nicest third layer, I will feel fat and disgusting and think they're judging me for it (even though they're not). Sigh.

Diets

This is a wonderful portrayal of the psychology behind diets. It's rather exaggerated, but there is definitely some truth in it. Jenna Marbles FTW! (... but actually, she's really skinny + she has a steady boyfriend, so she sure as hell does not need a diet).

As a fat person myself, of course I have tried dieting, and of course I have failed. They say that 95% of diets don't work, and most people gain back the weight they have lost. And if the diet does work, you'll probably end up on a hospital bed in a ward full of other miserable anorexic patients being force fed all kinds of fat junk food against their will. So, it seems that you will never win.

I always believe that the success of your diet is never a question of how strong your will power is, because the strength of your will power is dependent on how badly you actually want to lose weight. To elaborate further, I don't believe in stupid sweeping statements like "That girl has such a persevering character, she doesn't give up anything she sets her heart on". To me, that is a really stupid thing to say. Perseverance is not a trait! It is merely a result of an existing (strong) desire. And DUH, if you have set your heart on something, you won't give up, because... you have set your heart on it! If you seriously give up, it just means you did not set your heart on it.

But I digress. To bring things back to the diet issue, the stronger your desire to lose weight, the higher your chance at success. There are many other factors that affect your desire to lose weight, such as your love for food and your laziness, which may be so overpowering and overwhelming that your desire to lose weight takes a backseat and ends up fading into the background.

As for me, I am:

1. A major food-fanatic. For all you people who have never been to Singapore, you are seriously missing out on the food. I can safely say that 90% of the food we have here is so oily that your complexion will suffer for it, and after eating you will feel a mixture of disgust, and yet, great satisfaction. Argh, it makes me feel highly ambivalent. And, not to mention the abundance of fast food outlets we have here - I practically live next door to a McDonalds, KFC, and an ice-cream parlour.

2. A complete lazy-ass, and proud of it! P.E. has always been my least favourite lesson. In fact, PE ruins the entire day for me. I officially hate Mondays and Fridays because those are the days when I have PE. The games are not so bad, but when they make us RUN. Oh god. The other day I ran 1200 metres and I puked into the drain after that, right in front of my classmates. How embarrassing. Yeah, it isn't so hard to see that I'm not a fan of exercise.

3. And sometimes I have these random moments when I buy all that inspirational, self-empowering crap (as described in my previous post) and think to myself "Candice, you are a BEAUTIFUL person and you DON'T need to change a thing!" Of course, such moments are rare, but they still happen... ...

These three factors are probably the reason why my diets in the past have failed. Good luck to all my future endeavors. I embrace them with hearty enthusiasm.

P.S. this entry does not "go to show" that fat people are lazy people who eat a lot. I know there are plenty of fat people out there who watch what they eat and exercise, and I seriously admire them for it.

P.P.S. I will be taking my (extremely important) A Level exams in less than a month, and I am panicking the shit out of myself. So I have resorted to calming myself down with chocolate. Especially Kinder Bueno, the best chocolate ever. Isn't this a legit reason to pig out? :(

"Fat People Are Beautiful" Inspirational Stories - NOT!

A so-called inspirational story I chanced upon on Facebook a few months ago:

THE STORY OF THE FAT LADY

Hi! How are you?” The woman smiled as she took the seat beside me. She had to lower herself slowly, squeezing her ample bottom into the seat, filling all available space.

Positioning herself comfortably, she plopped her enormous arm on our common armrest. Her immensity saturated the space around us, shrinking me and my seat into insignificance.

I cringed and reclined towards the window.

She leaned towards me and repeated her greeting in an upbeat, friendly voice. Her face towered above my head, forcing me to turn to look at her. “Hi,” I replied with obvious loathing.

I turned away to stare out the cabin window, sulking silently about the long hours of discomfort I was going to experience with this monster beside me.

She nudged me with her meaty arm. “My name is Laura. I’m from Britain. How about you? Japan?”

“Malaysia,” I barked.

“I’m so sorry! Will you accept my heartfelt apology? Come, shake my hand. If we’re going to spend six hours side-by-side on this flight, we’d better be friends, don’t you think?” A palm waved in front of my face. I shook the hand reluctantly, still silent.

Laura started a conversation with me, taking no notice of my unfriendly reactions. She talked excitedly about herself and her trip to Hong Kong to see her frinds. She rattled off a list of things she was going to buy for her students in the boarding school where she was teaching.

I gave her one-word answers to her questions about me. Unperturbed by my coldness, she nodded as she made appreciative comments to my answers. Her voice was warm and caring. She was considerate and obliging when we were served drinks and meals, making sure that I had room to manoeuvre in my seat. “I don’t want to clobber you with my elephant size!” she said with utmost sincerity.

To my surprise, her face which repulsed me hours before, now opened into extraordinary smiles, lively and calm at the same time. I couldn’t help but let down my guard slowly.

Laura was an interesting conversationalist. She was well read in many subjects from philosophy to science. She turned a seemingly unimportant subject into something to explore and understand. Her comments were humorous and inspirational. When our topic turned to cultures, I was pleasantly surprised by her intelligent comments and well-thought-out analysis.

During our conversation, Laura managed to make every cabin crew who served us walk away laughing at her jokes.

When a flight attendant was clearing our plates, Laura cracked several jokes about her size. The flight attendant roared with laughter as she grabbed Laura’s hand, “You really make my day!”

For the next few minutes, Laura listened attentively and gave pointers to the flight attendant’s weight problem. The grateful attendant said before she rushed off, “I’ve got to work. I’ll come back later and talk to you about it.”

I asked Laura, “‘Have you ever thought about losing some weight?”

“No. I’ve worked hard to get this way. Why would I want to give it up?”

“You aren’t worried about cardiovascular diseases that come with being overweight?”

“Not at all. You only get the diseases if you’re worried about your weight all the time. You see advertisements from slimming centres that say, ‘Liberate yourself from your extra baggage so that you are free to be yourself.’ It’s rubbish! You’re liberated only if you’re comfortable about who you are, and what you look like any time of the day and anytime of the year! Why would I want to waste my time on slimming regimes when I have so many other important things to do and so many people to be friends with? I eat healthily and walk regularly; I’m this size because I am born to be big! There is more to life than worrying about weight all day long.”

She sipped at her wine. “Besides, God gives me so much happiness that I need a bigger body to hold all of it! Why would I lose weight to lose my happiness?” Taken aback by her reasoning, I chuckled.

Laura continued. “Folks often see me as a fat lady with big bosoms, big thighs and a big bottom that no man would even bother to cast a glance at. They see me as a slob. They think I’m lazy and have no willpower. They’re wrong.” She held up her glass to a passing flight attendant. “More of this magnificent wine, please.” She smiled sweetly at the attendant. “Great service from your crew. May God bless all of you.”

She turned to me, “I’m actually a slim person inside. I’m so full of energy that people won’t be able to keep up with me. This extra flesh is here to slow me down, otherwise I’ll be running everywhere chasing after men!”

“Do men chase after you?” I asked jokingly.

“Of course they do. I’m happily married but men still keep proposing to me.

“Most of them have relationship problems and they need someone to confide in. For some reason, they like to talk to me. I think I should have been a counsellor instead of a school teacher!”

Laura paused before she said thoughtfully, “You know, the relationship between men and women is so complicated. Women worship men and call them, ‘Honey’ until they find out they have been lied to, and then they turn into bitter gourds! Men love women so much that they see them as their soul mates until they look at their credit card bills, and then women become devils with tridents!”

Laura’s enthralling conversation had turned the flight into something thoroughly enjoyable. I was also fascinated by the way people were drawn to her. By the end of the flight, almost half the cabin crew was standing near the aisle by us, laughing and joking with Laura. The passengers around us joined in the merry-making too. Laura was the centre of attention, filling the cabin with delightful warmth.

When we waved goodbye to each other at the arrival lounge at Hong Kong’s Kai Tak Airport, I watched her walking towards a big group of adoring adults and kids. Cheers sounded as the group hugged and kissed Laura. She turned around and winked at me.

I was stunned, as the realisation set in: Laura was the most beautiful woman I had ever met in my life.

Click 'LIKE and 'SHARE' if you love this story. :)


This was my very cynical response:
Yeah yeah nice stories like these are supposed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and are meant to change people's perceptions of beauty. But in some strange way these stories just remind people that it's common to dislike fat people and that they deserve pity, which actually doesn't do any good for fat people's pride. The more you say stuff like "we must respect fat people" and "fat people are beautiful" and "size doesn't matter", it somehow just makes fat people feel worse about themselves because they are constantly reminded that they are generally looked down upon and need to feed off people's sympathy because they're soooo pitiful. Besides, it's damn easy for someone to say "fat people are beautiful", but, given a choice, nobody of average build would agree to become any fatter than they are now. AND most people are scared of being fat anyway, which shows that the disdain for fatness remains. I think the solution is to stop focusing on size altogether (which I do agree is impossible...), rather than focusing on big sizes and calling them beautiful. AT THE MOST, these stories will make people treat fat people better out of pity/morality, but it doesn't stop the psychological discrimination against them.

I know, I know. I'm being very cynical. I'm not being fair to the person who wrote the story; for all I know she may actually feel that way. I appear to be very pessimistic about life. But, in my opinion, I'm just being realistic, and all this "inspirational", unrealistic crap doesn't do any good for society. People just want to boost their own egos by thinking that they're becoming better people, because they are spreading the "cause" to start loving and respecting the pitiful fat people. It's sadly hilarious. Fat people are now seen as a group of sad, sad people who need the world's approval? Well, that's true. But reminding us of this sad, sad fact isn't going to do any good for us.

Weight Jokes

Many thanks to the person who posted a comment on an earlier post! I got an email notification about the comment and it reminded me about the existence of this blog, which is why I'm doing another post. I'm sincerely sorry to the (very few) readers out there for not updating this space for so long.

Anyway, today was the first P.E. (Physical Education aka sports) lesson that we had after the month-long June holidays, which meant... it was time for the teacher to take our height and weight (refer to my "Taking My Weight In School" post).

One of my friends (let's call her Q), in good fun, made a weight joke about her best friend (let's call her P). When P stepped on the weighing scale, Q immediately shouted "OH MY GOD, P! You're 70kg?! Ha Ha Ha!" Q didn't actually see P's weight, which was obviously not 70kg (more like 55-60kg); she only meant it as a joke.

Well, I'm above 70kg so how is that supposed to make me feel? 70kg is funny? In that case they should just laugh at me every day when they see me at school.

Fine, perhaps I don't LOOK 70kg, because I AM heavier than I look, God knows why. Still, it's not impossible for me to be above 70kg, so I would appreciate some sensitivity, and not to have a heavy weight treated as a huge joke, like being heavy is something considered funny; something to be laughed about.

Thank God this is the very last time I'll ever have my weight taken in school - I'm graduating at the end of this year. I will be spared of further humiliation.

The Maxi Dress

It's been forever since I updated this... but not like anybody reads this anyway.

My new obsession is the maxi dress. Why? Because it practically covers your entire body, so you don't really have to worry about your butt looking big or your calves looking fat. It's an awesome piece of clothing for fat people.

However, I've been browsing online for maxi dresses, and the bulk of them have no sleeves. I don't see the point in hiding my fat butt, thighs and legs, if my flabby arms are going to be boldly brandished in public. See? They never make good clothes for fat people. I might as well wear a nun's clothing.

They do have some maxi dresses with LONG sleeves... but I don't want to look like an old queen.

The few maxi dresses WITH sleeves that I found, which I actually like:

This one wasn't actually for sale. This was a tutorial on how to sew this dress. Well, I have no materials, no sewing machine, and no domestic skills whatsoever ): BUT THIS DRESS IS SO PRETTY and I want it.

The model is really skinny... so I doubt it'd look good on me. It is "free size", which is supposed to mean that the majority of people will be able to wear it. But I highly doubt it'd fit me.

I like this, but I heard that horizontal stripes make you look wider. Of course there isn't a single piece of clothing that could make this model look fat, except a fat suit. But for me?

Still, I love the concept of maxi dresses. They're loose and comfortable and extend to your ankles!

If I was skinny, I would wear this type of thing every day:

But I'm not. So it's sleeves for me! Provided I can actually find one of these dresses in Singapore, with the huge collections of wonderfully fashionable dresses that all come in minus-sizes -.-

Double Chins

Sometimes after I take a picture with my friends, we look at the picture and one of my friends will exclaim, "We have got to take that picture again! Look, I have a double chin in that photo. Eww!" Well, what about those who always have a double chin no matter what? So we're not allowed to take photos?

It's even worse if a friend makes a funny face that produces a double chin, and the rest of my friends immediately start laughing and saying, "Ha ha ha! Look, now you have a double chin!" So does that mean they are inwardly laughing whenever they see my fat face?

In the end, I have to force my head to stick out in a forward direction so that the fats under my chin are stretched out, therefore eliminating the frequency of that double chin appearing. I wouldn't do that if people thought that double chins were okay, or if people didn't think that double chins were disgusting. But, they do. So, I adapt to survive (an excellent line taken from X-Men First Class).

But... isn't it ironic that the double chin appears most prominently when you smile? Is it just an indication that fat people find it very hard to be happy?

This is a beautiful smile. But when people see it, they will precisely say, "This is a beautiful smile. BUT, it would be better if she didn't have a double chin."

Taking My Weight In School? Ugh!

For every Singaporean student in a Primary, Secondary or Post-Secondary institution, it is compulsory to have the P.E. teachers measure our height and weight after every major holiday (which is the June holidays and the end-of-year holidays). This measure is predicated on the assumption that students typically pig out during the holidays and gain an unnecessary amount of "holiday weight", which is apparently unacceptable and therefore has to be monitored.

I'm really tall, so I like the part where the teachers measure my height and tell me that I am well above 1.7 meters (that's above 5 feet and 7 inches, thereabouts).

But THEN, I have to face the dreadful moment of stepping on the weighing scale and watching the needle swing past a very very very large number on that scale. In fact, sometimes I don't even dare to look. I try to stand in certain ways to decrease the number, but nothing works because the scale is too damn smart.

I'm not afraid of knowing what my weight is, because I KNOW that I am heavy. I am simply infuriated to have my (extremely private) weight made known to:

1. The teacher who is measuring my weight
2. The student who has been commissioned to help the teacher record down the weights of all the students
3. Any other students who are near enough to hear the teacher read out the number on the weighing machine to the student mentioned in point number 2

And what's worse - everyone is dying to know the weight of the fat girl! Heck, even I would rather know the weight of a fat girl than a skinny girl, though I really cannot explain this phenomenon. But it's true. When it's time for the fat girl to step on the scale, everyone stops talking among themselves, and tries to act like they're not interested at all in the fat girl's weight (but trust me, THEY ARE). They turn sideways so that they're not directly facing the height-and-weight area, but their eyeballs are rolled in the direction of the poor fat girl who has just stepped on the weighing machine. Then their eyes turn toward the lips of the teacher who then utters the number that everybody is simply dying to know, while everyone reads the teacher's lips and has the satisfaction of knowing just how damn heavy that fat girl is.

This is why I always dread the first day of school after June and December. I hear all my skinny friends saying, "Oh my god! I gained soooooo much weight after the holidays! Now I'm like, 54kg!" Thanks a lot. It's not as if they don't know that I'm definitely much heavier than they are - I am visibly heavier.

I hate the Ministry of Education, and the Health Promotion Board for having this stupid rule that students have to take their height and weight in school after the holidays!!! Just leave us alone, wouldn't you? I would like to have the privacy of being the only one who knows my weight! Not to have it keyed in some stupid system viewed by health freaks who go "tsk" at all the overweight teenagers.

Fat Calves - Wobble Wobble Wobble!

There are times when I have to sit cross-legged on the floor in school. My school skirt automatically moves up my legs whenever I sit in that fashion, so about half my thighs and all of my calves are fully visible.

I despise the roundness of my calves whenever I sit in that fashion. My calves form a very obvious curve, and in fact, they bulge so much that half the calve touches the thigh. I look at my friends' beautiful, slender calves that are so thin that the fat part of their calves do not even tough the underside of their thighs!!

When I'm standing, it's not that bad because at least the fats are stretched out and therefore do not look that round. But when I sit down, my legs look like they have been transformed completely. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think that my legs, when standing up, look kinda nice. But if I ever have to sit down cross-legged during the day, all those fantasies disappear and I face the harsh, cold, cruel reality of the fatness of my calves.

Worst of all, sometimes my friends pinch their calves and whine about how fat their calves are. This shows that:

1. They think having fat calves is a bad thing.
2. They think my calves are absolutely disgusting, considering how much fatter my calves are than theirs!

Hmm, maybe I should dream of having calves like these. But then I would be severely kidding myself. A lump of fat cannot even wish to ever be transformed into bulging muscles like those.

I Like Big Butts... NOT!

I have a gigantic butt, and I am not exaggerating.

Sometimes I use the excuse of my anorexic past to explain why I have a big butt: Women in general lose weight in the breasts first, and they gain weight in the buttocks and thigh areas first. I can testify to this, because when I first started dieting, I distinctly remember that my bra got looser, and now that I have gained back my weight, my butt is ginormous.

I hate my ginormous butt. It sticks out like nobody's business. I look horrible when I wear pants or shorts, because you can distinctively see the huge mountain of my butt that protrudes unattractively from the rest of my body. In fact, it's so big that it always bumps into everything! I can barely buy any shorts that FIT, because of my fat thighs and butt. So now I'm stuck with gigantic pants and shorts, because people with a butt as big as mine are meant to be proportionally bigger everywhere else as well! I'm big everywhere, but I am especially big in the butt, so the proportions are all wrong.


Everytime I walk past a shiny wall and I look at my side-view reflection, I feel like puking in disgust at the sight of the sack of fat that hangs off my bottom. I suppose the only way to hide my big butt is to wear loose skirts that expand toward the bottom. Ugh! Being fat really limits the kind of clothes you wear.

On a side note, contrary to the song "I Like Big Butts" by Sir Mix A Lot, men in Singapore definitely do not like big butts. In fact, a big butt would totally turn them off!

Fat People are Sweaty People

This morning I was in school having morning assembly. It was a pretty hot day (well, duh, it's Singapore). The sun was practically roasting me, so I started to sweat buckets. My hair stuck together because of the sweat. My clothes became soaked with sweat at the back and the chest. Sweat trickled down my face and it tickled terribly.

This always happens! Even if it's not very hot, the walk from the bus stop into school always makes me tired out and sweaty. Then I look around at my friends, and not a single one of them has a drop of sweat on their clothes. I sweat even more than the guys do! How utterly embarrassing!

After assembly, one of my friends will never fail to tell me, "Wow, Candice, you're sweating so much! Why are you sweating so much?" Now, what am I supposed to say? Uh, because I'm fat? And thank you so much for telling me that I am "sweating so much", because I would be the last person to realize that!


I don't even know why fatter people sweat so much. Is it because it's tiring to lug around a ball of fat everywhere you go?

Whatever it is, I hate the look people give me when they see my sweaty face and wet clothes. It's as though I am a fat slob who gets tired out at the littlest bit of activity. Oh wait, I am a fat slob who gets tired out at the littlest bit of activity!

This also makes it useless to shower in the morning - the moment I'm out of my house, I start sweating! No point getting clean if you're going to get sticky just a few hours later!! =.=